Mortality/ponder

What is after death? As fatherhood nears I am thinking more of dying and being dead. Not because I want to die but because, I am afraid. I would like to squeeze all remaining drop of nectar from life until the inevitability.

I used to not fear death. To me it is a simple process. A transaction. You have lived, now you must die. It had begun, now it must end. Like being at the arcade. You get one chance — live it or waste it.

I have certainly did some of both. I am living some and wasting some — a quite balanced life. I have everything I wanted, also things I certainly do not deserve. If death takes me tomorrow, I will not suffer disappointment or anger. I would however be very upset that I did not get to either squander or nurture the fatherhood that is kindly bestowed upon me.

Is it selfish to be afraid of death now that I have an overbearing responsibility? Or am I supposed to overly welcome death now that I have an overbearing responsibility?

What is after death? That is certainly a debate of the millennia. I would like to imagine I will meet my loved ones when I move on from my earthly shell. But, I wonder, if untimely death occurs will I be alone somewhere? Does it have a waiting room? Shudder.

I look forward to the firsts. I look forward to being exhausted. However, I no longer welcome death — he can wait and I can ignore.